Thank you to the very talented Jessica Fass (we’ll learn more about her journey from Hollywood to Israel, from a Warners sitcom to stand up comedy right here on Just Effing in coming days) for her hilarious short scene she wrote at our salon meeting last week. She chose to work from one of the fictional prompts and the exercise was to imbue the piece with a particular tone. You can see Jessica chose anticipation/comedy. It’s no surprise that Jessica is a fixture in the stand up comedy scene here in Tel Aviv. Read and enjoy. Jessica wrote this in 45 minutes flat, by the way.
Nothing goes right when your underwire is pinching you, she thought as she walked…
…into the boisterous Tel Aviv bar. She felt like the elephant in the room as the judgmental Israeli girls watched her walk in in a bright pink, flowery dress and fiddle with her bra like a hillbilly. She knew she didn’t really look like a hillbilly, she just felt like one compared to all the beautiful, lean, tan Israeli girls. She was the jovial, always smiling, slightly chubby yet cute, American girl who was always told that she was “a great listener” and “such a good friend.”
She took a seat at the bar on an empty stool and a deep breath. The breath didn’t help. She was still nervous beyond all reason. “Who suggests a first date on Valentine’s Day?? Well, it is Israel,” she reassured herself. “The Israeli guys don’t take Anglo holidays into consideration when planning dates. In fact, Israeli guys don’t take much into consideration at ALL when planning dates. And in fact, they don’t even call it a DATE! They call it a “meeting.” What the heck is up with calling it a “meeting?” Are we on a job interview here?
Ok, I’m getting off track,” she thought to herself. “Just focus on getting to know him, focus on him getting to know me, show him how awesome, and funny and sweet and charming I am. Think of that song from “The King and I,” “Getting to Know You.” God, why do I always bring up musical theater in stressful situations? Why am I such a nerd?! Note to self: Do not bring up musicals on this date! Act like a laid-back, carefree badass chick. Do not mention your childhood summers in drama camp or obsession with “Glee” or The Muppets! Do not mention that the only piece of news that you read today was that “Boy Meets World” is getting a spin-off!”
She looks around the bar again at the good looking, tan Israelis surrounding her. “How do all these people have so much time to go to the beach? Doesn’t anyone work in this country? Well, it is the “start up nation,” so they must work sometimes….” She checks her watch. “Where is this guy? He’s already 10 minutes late! What if he’s standing me up?” Just then, the door of the bar creaks open and she anxiously spins around in her seat to see who just walked in. It’s him, she’s sure of it. If it’s possible, he’s actually better looking than his picture. “Oh crap,” she thinks. “I don’t want him to be an 8. That’s overwhelming! I haven’t mentally prepared for an 8, especially not on Valentine’s Day! Oh that’s right, I’m not supposed to be thinking about the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day. But who am I kidding, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for an 8!! I don’t care if it’s freaking Yom Kippur and the rabbi who is leading the congregation is an 8, I will never feel comfortable in the same room as an 8!
Oh god, and this bra is killing me! How can I be comfortable on this date in this bra? How could Sarah have convinced me to wear this stupid padded bra?! I know my boobs are small, but I’d much rather be comfortable than have big boobs, especially on a date with an 8!”
She sees him glancing around the room looking for her. She turns her back and quickly adjusts her underwire again so he won’t see.
“Crap, he is looking for me. Ok, you can do this. Just remember everything Sarah taught you. Just turn around slowly, make eye contact, and smile. It’s not that difficult. If a monkey can do sign language, then you can do this.”
She takes another deep breath, slowly turns around, makes eye contact with this devilishly handsome young man across the room, smiles coyly, and then… SNAP! The underwire pops out of her bra and straight through the front of her dress! This could only happen to her. Only on Valentine’s Day. Only with an 8.