Just Effing Entertain Me

The Assistant Files

Industry assistants expect other industry assistants to Get It: speak the lingo; use the shorthand; know the players, the protocol, how to treat each other, and the secret handshake.

It’s mostly stuff you pick up in your first two weeks on the job. But every once in a while you run into someone who’s either completely oblivious, or who’s just a jerk and doesn’t believe in the “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” method that most of us live by.

WARNING: ANDY-RANT AHEAD. When you’re an assistant to a talent agent, one of the things you do is set up BAZILLIONS of appointments for your clients to be seen by casting directors. You deal with the casting assistant, who may or may not actually be an unpaid intern, depending on how big the production and/or casting person is. Fifteen of our clients had appointments to see one casting director yesterday afternoon. Several different roles on one project and a few clients up for each role, you see. That’s a lot of appointments to keep straight. And someone just got fired off another desk for screwing up one client’s appointment, so I was taking no chances — I confirmed the appointments a day early AND the morning of. Not uncommon practice for a good assistant.

And yet yesterday I came back from lunch to hear voice messages from clients saying things like, “Hey Andy– I’m standing outside the room and there’s no one here. Am I in the right place?” You get one message like that, you think, “Okay, smartypants. Did you print out the email I sent you with exact turn-by-turn instructions on where to go, or are you going off ‘vibes’ again?” You get two messages like that, you think, “Ugh, ACTORS. Do I have to come pick you up and deliver you to the audition myself? Do I look like Elisabeth Shue? Don’t f*** with the babysitter!” However, when you get SEVERAL messages like that, you immediately think, “I AM SO FIRED.”

But this is all in a day’s work for Andy Sachs, Super Assistant, so I spring into action. Call the casting assistant at the number I’d reached him earlier. No answer. Why isn’t anyone answering?! I have lines blinking, people. Pick up your phone! Again and again, still no answer. All the while, I’m emailing him, hoping he’s in front of his computer and not running around, assisting with the casting session.

Finally I get a ping back. “Oh, sorry! We changed the location.” WTF? “We decided we were too diva for that room. Ha ha.” HA HA?! This is funny to you? I now look like a jerk in front of no less than FIFTEEN of our clients, their respective managers, my boss, and anyone else who doesn’t hear the end of the story where it turns out it’s not my mistake and you’re just a jerk. THANKS, dude.

Anyway, my point here is that it’s never all about you. (Unless you’re A-list, then the rules are different. But I don’t think there’s ever been a casting assistant on the A-list. I could be wrong.) The industry is a collaborative effort. Not just during the development process or once you get into production, but in the course of everyday business. There are a lot of moving parts that keep this town running. We all rely on each other. So don’t be a jerk.

The Assistant Files

In the last Assistant File we talked about interpreting the code phrases used in industry assistant-wanted ads. In this one I’m going to give you some tips on acing the interview process.

You see, I – like many assistants who’ve worked in the industry for any length of time – have functioned as a one-Andy HR department, and have hired my own replacement, simply presenting two final pre-approved options for The Boss to choose between.

(Or, to be honest, to fuss and moan about, because most bosses, even though they are theoretically aware that you are not going to stick around and answer their phone for years and years, simply cannot believe that you are leaving them. Some of them actually use phrases along the lines of “I can’t believe that you’re leaving me!” or “I thought better of you, I really did!” or “A good assistant would never have done this.”)

All this boils down to the fact that many long-time assistants have done a lot more interviewing than you might expect from people who are glorified helper monkeys. And here, for what it’s worth, are my takeaways:

*DO have an email address that is some version of firstname.lastname@gmail.com. Do NOT have an email address like NUMBER1PHIL@AOL.COM or AWESOMEASSISTANT4U@HOTMAIL.COM or SEXXYSEXXYSUE@YMAIL.COM.

*DO have your contact info immediately accessible in your cover letter. Do NOT include email addresses that will bounce back or phone numbers of cell phones that are disconnected for lack of payment. When I call to chat with you about your resume, if this isn’t a good time, say so. I’m going to be asking you probing questions about past insane jobs you’ve had, so if you’re at work and can’t talk, don’t be stilted and weird, ask if you can call me back over lunch.

*DO dress up a little bit. If you’re a boy, nobody is going to make fun of you for wearing a suit and tie. If you’re a girl, wear something your conservative aunt would approve of. No open toes, no cleavage. This isn’t a date. Do NOT wear jeans. Come on. Entertainment is mostly a pretty casual environment (barring agencies. Agencies are like Mad Men.) but the understanding for job interviews is that you show up at your most formal, not like you just got back from Senor Frog’s.

*DO explain in your cover letter why you want this particular job, particularly if you’re trying to break in. Do NOT say stuff like “I’m just trying to get my first job in entertainment. I’ll take anything. But I’m really looking to jump ship to talent management.” Industry jobs get insane numbers of resumes, so if your background isn’t something I can grasp at a glance – say, if your work experience is all in real estate and you’re applying to be a development assistant – you can’t expect that you’re going to get a call unless you have a terrific pitch for why I ought to consider you over the dozens of people with exact-match backgrounds.

*DO lie. (A little.) Tell me you’re detail-oriented, terrific with difficult people, organized like a mofo, willing to go the extra mile, work-obsessed, happy to commit for two years: As an assistant, I know full well that those little white lies really boil down to “I will work hard and give this a for-real shot.” Which is really all one can expect. Do NOT lie in real ways that I can spot. Like if you say that you work at Company X but really you got fired from that desk six months ago and I know people there. And do NOT be too honest. Don’t say things like “How much overtime can I count on, moneywise?” or “I take a tango class on Tuesdays so I’d need to leave early every week, I hope that’s not a problem,” in the actual interview. This is Hollywood. Everyone’s pretending they don’t need the money and love the job so much they’d work for free.

*DO, if it’s relevant to the position (the ad said something about “personalities” or “thick skin,” or the outgoing assistant uses code phrases like “Boss expects excellence”) mention any past work experience with a “demanding” boss. Do NOT badmouth said boss. There’s a fine line between letting me know that you worked for a crazy bitch and handled it fine because you’re a rock star, and actually calling your old boss a crazy bitch.

*DO be polite and attentive during the interview. I know a monkey could do this job, you know a monkey could do this job. You still need to pretend to be thoughtful and impressed when I’m telling you about the long hours and the stress and the lack of getting to go to the bathroom. I just want you to know what you’re getting into so I don’t foist a lemon off on Boss. Do NOT blow past me with stories about how you had a sooooo much more stressful job than this. That’s not going to impress me, it’s going to make me think that you’re a jerk.

*DO follow up after the interview. A thank-you note or email is not just polite, it helps me remember who you were. And feel free to call or email about a week later if you haven’t heard back. Do NOT call me twice a day, every day, because you thought you were such a terrific fit. I know I said that interviewing isn’t like dating…but really, it is. If I want to see you again, I’ll call you. In the meantime, be cool. You don’t need the money, remember?

If you follow the above tips, you may not get the job – this is after all a ridiculously competitive industry – but you at least stand a shot of being taken seriously and having your resume go in the keeper file, instead of having me make fun of you in an Assistant File later.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

It’s a new year and a lot of folks are in the market for new jobs, myself included.

Looking for an assistant gig in the entertainment industry can be absurdly difficult. Often you have to know someone just to get your resume in the door. You endure multiple rounds of interviews, usually starting with the outgoing assistant, who will give you the stinkeye and declare that you’ve never worked a desk as intense or busy or important as THIS one. It’s enough to make a girl want to scream, “Listen, people. I know how to answer the phone. IT’S NOT BRAIN SURGERY.”

Because there is such hot competition for even the most entry-level positions, sometimes we lose sight of whether a given job is one that we’d WANT. And with job postings so full of industry catchphrases, sometimes it’s hard to tell just what the job entails. So I’ve compiled a list of common job posting language for your reference. Interpretations are based on my own experience and may differ for individual users.

*****************

Andy’s Guide to Understanding Hollywood Assistant Job Postings:

Typical assistant duties: Rolling calls, scheduling meetings, reading minds.

Thick-skinned: You will be yelled at a lot and blamed for things that could in no way possibly be your fault. Crying is not allowed.

Long hours: Say goodbye to your non-industry friends, your pet, and sleep.

Organizational skills: You’ll be expected to know at a moment’s notice the exact location of every scribbled note, scrap of paper, and crumpled receipt that has ever crossed your desk. You’ll keep all of these items indefinitely, in a meticulous filing system, even though you’ve also committed them to memory.

Must be flexible: You’ll be required to run personal errands.

Must be discreet: You’ll be required to run embarrassing personal errands, and claim them as your own.

Attention to detail: You’ll be expected to remember which restaurants your boss has approved for lunch meetings, exactly how he takes his coffee, and which corner of the desk the trades should be arranged on before he arrives in the office each morning. Slack on any of these and you’ll likely need to employ that Thick-Skinned quality, so I hope you weren’t padding the ol’ resume on that one.

Strong computer skills: The company doesn’t have an IT department, so you should know how get all of the computers up and running again after he crashes the system trying to download the latest celebrity sex video.

Excellent phone etiquette: Must be able to lie convincingly on the phone.

Excellent communication skills: Must be able to decipher cryptic phrases such as, “Andy, why don’t I see that thing on my calendar?”

Ability to anticipate: You’ll need to provide a synopsis and a new copy of that script he took home but didn’t read, without being asked, and in time for the meeting where he will pretend that he read it.

Desire to learn the industry: You’ll eagerly memorize the phone number and client roster of every agent in town. And you’ll do it for peanuts because the experience is so invaluable.

Ability to handle a demanding environment: Your boss will demand one crazy, unreasonable thing after another. You’ll handle it.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

I actually really like many parts of being an assistant. It’s uncool, but I basically have the kind of ’50s-housewife personality that is quite happy to bring people coffee and roll their calls.

However. There are a few things I really, really dislike about being an assistant, and this is one of them:

Assistant Call-Rolling Power Struggles

The following is all hypothetical and did not happen to me recently. Or anything like that.

Say your boss (“Boss”) is pretty important. Say there’s an executive (“Executive”) who Boss deals with a lot and who feels that he, Executive, is a pretty big deal. Say that Boss does not necessarily agree. In fact, say that Boss and Executive basically dislike each other a lot, but are forced to work together because they’re both on the same project.

So that’s the backstory. Now, say that while Boss was in a meeting, Executive called and left word.

Hours pass. Boss doesn’t return the call because Boss will always try to get out of calling Executive, no matter how often you say “Hey, Boss, we owe Executive a call.” Eventually, Boss gets one of those jerk emails from Executive that reads “CALL ME.” Boss swears creatively and yells out, can you please get Executive on the phone? You call Executive’s office: “I have Boss returning Executive’s call.”

A pause. Executive’s assistant says “Let me check.” A minute passes. Executive’s assistant gets back on.

“Okay, you put Boss on the phone and as soon as Executive can jump off the call he’s on–”

“I’m not going to do that,” you say. You don’t want to put Boss on the phone because you suspect that Executive is mad at him, and will make him hold for more than the 15 seconds that’s about the max Boss can handle before yelling at you that you shouldn’t have put him on the phone if they weren’t ready. “I can hold for Executive, though.”

“…just put Boss on,” the assistant says. For her part, she doesn’t want me to hold for Executive because it means that her Executive will have to hold for my Boss, even if it’s just for the few seconds between “Hi! Still me, sorry.” and Boss getting on. (Confused yet?)

And just like that, the other assistant and I are now in the midst of an epic power struggle about whose boss is more important. (This is something I would not have believed if you’d told me about it when I first moved to LA.)

“Nope,” I say.

“But Executive can’t hold for Boss–”

“Are you kidding? You really think I’m going to make Boss get on the phone and listen to your hold music for five minutes just so Executive doesn’t have to stay on hold for the time it takes me to push the hold button and tell Boss that he’s on the line? Really? Really?!?”

“Just put Boss on the line to hold, it won’t be for all that long–”

“No. We’ll leave word. Thank you.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.“

Basically it’s a game of Hold Chicken, and it’s stupid. As soon as I got off the phone, I was both very irritated that someone had dared play King Of The Phone Mountain with us and equally embarrassed that I cared about this even a little bit. I went into Boss’ office, fuming. “What,” Boss said. “I left word,” I grumbled. “Also, Executive is such a jerk! His assistant tried to make you hold for him!!!”

“…,” Boss said.

People in the industry often act like being an assistant qualifies you to eventually work your way up and have your boss’ job. I disagree. You know what being an assistant qualifies you to do? Be a wife. In the ’50s or early ’60s. With a bunch of petty concerns, and sublimating your own power struggles into those of your boss/ersatz husband and obsessing over how people take their coffee and trying to anticipate their needs…it’s very Mad Men.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

I recently heard this philosophy of networking that says something along the lines of: you don’t need to be out trying to meet as many people as possible. Instead you should put your energy into being someone that other people want to meet, and then let them come to you.

Let me first say, I don’t know if I’m totally on board with this strategy. It seems like people who have introvert tendencies (ahem, writers) might take this as encouragement to just be TOTALLY AWESOME in the privacy of their own homes.

But it did start me thinking, in a roundabout way, of soundbites.

Say you’re taking a meeting. The routine goes that they greet you and offer you a beverage and a seat, and then you have about five minutes of small talk. Because this five minutes comes at the beginning of the meeting when you’re still good and nervous, it’s pretty intimidating, right? You want to make a good impression, you want to build rapport, maybe you just want your voice to start working and the flop sweats to stop.

We all occasionally struggle with feeling like a person that others want to meet. Especially if you’re still in that trying-to-turn-pro stage of your career, you might catch yourself feeling like you don’t actually have a lot to offer yet. (Right? Is that just me?) So having a sound bite or two to fill that five minutes, a little scripted TA DA! all planned out ahead of time, can help take the edge off those nerves.

What the heck do I mean by ‘soundbite’? Think of it as a hook, something people can latch onto so that you stick in their minds. Remember that game you played at sleepaway camp, “My name is Andy and I like alligators…” It’s sort of like that; just a little something you’re putting out there that people can associate with you. It makes you memorable.

You’re a Yale grad who once took a year off to join the circus. You’re a former JAG Corps judge who never rendered anything but a Guilty verdict. You have quotes from your favorite movie, Joe Versus the Volcano, tattooed on your body.

These are all soundbites I’ve heard from writers as they waited for meetings with my boss. (I can’t vouch for their truthfulness, but hey– they worked.)

With a soundbite, you give people a nice, neat little package of I’m Awesome, Jump On This Bandwagon. But you ALSO give the people you’ve met a way to sell you to, say, their agent, boss, or whomever else they might be passing one of your scripts along to. They get to rave about the fantastic new writer they met, and top it off with, “AND she used to work as a pilot for the President of the Congo. You should totally meet her.” You’re actually helping make their job easier. Now doesn’t that sound like someone that other people would want to meet?

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

As we speak, managers and agents all over town are weighing their options: take the spec out now and be the only one everyone is reading, or wait until January and spec with the masses? As Julie mentioned yesterday, Hollywood practically goes into hibernation for the winter. Most offices will close down sometime the week before Christmas and reopen after the first of the year, and very few specs will hit the town right before the break.

So if we’re not inundated with new specs during the holiday season, what are we reading?

In the recent past, water cooler talk at this time of year has centered around The Black List. Legend has it The Black List was created a few years ago when one resourceful development exec, looking for good scripts to read, asked friends to nominate the ten best unproduced screenplays they’d read that year. He took hundreds of suggestions, compiled and ranked them by number of votes, and The Black List was born. He sent it back to his friends for their perusal. And since Hollywood is a town that trades on information, that list spread through tracking boards and email chains in no time.

As its first-page disclaimer states, “The Black List is not a ‘best of’list. It is, at best, a ‘most liked’ list.” Of course there are some scripts that people nominate just so they can act like the entertainment business is Important and Serious, or to make themselves feel smart. But I think largely people nominate what they liked, what made an impression over the course of the year.

To give you an idea of what makes the list, here are the top three scripts from the last three years:

2005: THINGS WE LOST IN THE FIRE (Allan Loeb), JUNO (Diablo Cody), LARS AND THE REAL GIRL (Nancy Oliver)

2006: THE BRIGANDS OF RATTLEBORGE (Craig Zahler), STATE OF PLAY (Matt Carnahan), RENDITION (Kelley Sane)

2007: RECOUNT (Danny Strong), FARRAGUT NORTH (Beau Willimon),PASSENGERS (Jon Spaihts)

What do we assistants do with The Black List? Read everything we can get our hands on, update our lists of writers, and debate the relative merits of the scripts as if we have some decision-making power.

The list has grown each year, and the 2008 edition will include the suggestions of a couple hundred film executives and high-level assistants.

Votes are in and the list is due out mid-December. If you can get your hands on them, I highly recommend reading these scripts. After all, these are the favorite scripts of the people you want to be in business with, the ones that got people excited. You might as well see what the buzz is about.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

A little confession: I couldn’t think of a topic to write about today. I searched dark corners of my brain for something, anything, about an assistant’s life that you might find interesting. But there was nothing.

And then I happened to be on the phone with a genuine literary agent, and I thought, “Now there’s a head writers might want to get inside!” So I asked him, “Awesome Lit Agent, if you could give some advice to the up-and-coming screenwriters of the world, what would it be?”

His response? “Where do I start!”

And then I waited while he laughed at his own joke. But THEN he actually did offer some advice on three things your script can do to catch his eye and turn him in your favor right away: have a good title, hit the important structural beats, and have a great opening sequence.

Remember how we talked about building trust in a query letter? It’s sort of the same thing. He’s looking for some indication that your script won’t make him want to beat his head on his desk.

Said the agent, “Let’s be honest, my instincts are to do as little work as possible.” And he has plenty of scripts to read, work to be done. So he’s going to put your script through a few checkpoints before he commits to giving it a real read. First you have to grab him with the title. Then he’ll flip through to see if the inciting incident, act breaks, and midpoint show up at the appropriate times. And then he’ll read the first three pages to see if you’ve established the tone, if the writing is fresh and clear, and if it seems like a story worth telling.

And if you meet all those requirements, he’ll give you until about page ten to really hook him in. Time is money, folks. If the first ten pages don’t compel him to read the rest, he’s on to the next script in the pile.

Now keep in mind that this isn’t ALL he’s looking for in a script. But imagine it’s Sunday night, and he has a stack of scripts he has to get through before tomorrow’s meeting where they’ll discuss the weekend read. He’s going to survey the selection and prioritize. Sometimes other factors come into play: “Oh, this is the one that the senior agent was pushing (moves to the top). Hmm, this is the one from my mom’s dry cleaner (moves to the bottom).” But if you’re one of the rest of the scripts in the bunch, these three things he’s mentioned can help get you closer to the top of the pile. Which is good, because you know he’s not getting through that whole mountain of scripts on Sunday night, that’s for sure. Not with Entourage to watch. So the closer you can get to the top, the better your chances of getting read now, rather than trying your luck in next weekend’s heap.

There you go, Wavers. Apparently agents don’t just schmooze in expensive Beverly Hills restaurants all day, they also read scripts. I braved the Armani suits and finger guns to get this information. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

Some assistants read query letters and some don’t. Unfortunately you really don’t know which type of assistant your letter is going to land in front of. (And trust me, it will almost definitely be an assistant who opens any mail you send.) But I’d venture to say that more are read than aren’t. Because, as I’ve blathered on about before, it’s good for an assistant’s career to find that next great script. Hoping to do so, we go to the pitch fests, we see who’s winning which contests, and we read queries.

Of course by “read” I mean “skim with about 8% of my attention span while I also roll calls with my boss.”

I started thinking about this topic because Blake Snyder posted about it last week on his blog. He encourages querying, but also writes, “But what actually do we put into those communiques to elicit the best possible response?”

Um… let me preface this by saying that this is just one assistant’s opinion. Okay? But for me the answer is SO SIMPLE I almost can’t believe there might be people out there pondering the existence of other answers.

The first thing I look at? The thing that better be SO GOOD it commands 100% of my attention? The logline, obviously.

Because it’s all about the idea for the movie. I mean, your letter could be witty or brilliant or fascinating in some other way, but if I’m going to go to the effort of REQUESTING and then READING yet another script, it’s only because your logline made me say, “Now THAT’S a movie!” So make sure it’s an amazing, wish-I’d-thought-of-it idea.

Once you have that, make it easy for me: put your logline right there in its very own paragraph, indent it, make it bold. It’s the VERY FIRST THING I’m going to look for, so you may as well direct my eyes to it.

And that’s about it! Sounds easy, right?

However, even AFTER you’ve dazzled me with your logline there are still many, many things you can do in your letter to make me hesitate about requesting your script. They include but are not limited to:

*misspelling pretty much anything
*sounding like an amateur
*sounding crazy and/or desperate
*telling me how much your friends, family, or anyone else I don’t know
from Adam liked your script
*including photos of you and your dog dressed as characters from your story

I’m not saying any one of these things on its own would make me turn away from a great logline ( …possibly the last one), but enough of them together might add up to make me think, “I don’t know if I want to deal with this person.” Because you have to remember, A LOT of query letters come in. That’s a lot of potential projects, and I have to figure out a way to weed through them somehow.

Simple, professional, and AWESOME. That’s pretty much what you’re shooting for with a query letter.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

You know that Making It daydream you have? The one where someone has given you a huge amount of money for your totally awesome spec? And now you’re meeting with the execs and producers, and they’re fawning over your unrivaled genius? Yeah. That fawning? Lasts for about five minutes. It comes right after they shake your hand and offer you a beverage, and right before they start telling you all the things in your script that need to be changed.

It’s true: once you’re in business with a production company or studio, you’re going to get notes on your script. Prepare yourself.

“Oh, Andy!” You say. “I can take notes! OF COURSE I can take notes. Done it a million times. How else do you think my work of pure genius came to be?”

Yes, well. I’m guessing the way you usually get notes is from one person at a time. You send your draft to a couple of aspiring-writer friends, maybe your mom, and then they come back with comments that range from, “I really liked it!” to “It’s your best work yet!”

Not anymore! Now you’re going to get notes from several people in tandem, people who are not your friends. It’s the Hollywood equivalent of being jumped into a gang. Fun, huh?

A lot is made of the fact that this business is a collaborative one. Which just means you’re going to get a lot of input thrown at you. Everyone involved will have something to say about the script (no longer YOUR script so much as THE script). Some of the input will be annoying. Some of it will be confusing. But some of it just might be helpful.

I once dated a guy, a baby screenwriter, who had sold a project and was meeting with the involved parties about the first rewrite. Your average cynical Hollywood type, Boyfriend was stunned when someone in the meeting actually had a good idea. An idea that fixed a little thing in the script that had always bugged him, but he’d never quite worked out. Now, don’t worry writers– I’m not giving all your credit away. It was a minor thing that the suit had managed to fix. And I’m not sure he even realized he was fixing it. But Boyfriend was thrilled with the idea. And had the good sense to recognize it, and to incorporate it. His attitude about taking notes was forever changed. (By ‘forever’ I mean ‘until the next meeting’.) As he said, “Hey, they can give me all the ideas they want. The only person who’s going to get credit for them is me!”

…I didn’t want to snuff out the mad glint in his eye by reminding him that it was entirely possible he’d be rewritten and have to share credit.

Then again, if he took all of their notes as ungrudgingly, they’d be much less likely to replace him. Hey, I’m not saying roll over and sell out. But keep in mind that a good idea can come from anywhere. And, as absurd as they might sometimes be, producers and studio execs aren’t idiots.

Smart writers take notes with grace. Not only does it earn you the reputation of being pleasant to work with, but that way when a good idea shows up, you’re open to it.

Until next time, Wavers!

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

Remember how I said assistants are basically pretty cranky people?

…Yeah, that’s still true. But what I didn’t mention is how sometimes it’s the smallest, lamest thing that can make an assistant happy. We put up with a lot of crap, so our standards are pretty low. Seriously. We’ll count it a banner day if we get a word of praise and a bagel with cream cheese.

Number one on the list of Stuff Assistants Like?

INFORMATION. Maybe it’s turning my boss onto that script that everyone will be buzzing about tomorrow, or knowing which exec is out at which company. Whatever the case, information is good. It gives me an edge on the competition and helps me do my job. (Notice how being informed is also the exact opposite of most of the items on my Stuff Assistants Hate list.)

Here’s some other stuff assistants like**, in no particular order:

* Free food at the office. I work in an expensive part of town. Expensive as in EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO EXPENSE THEIR LUNCHES. They don’t think twice about an eighteen dollar salad, but as an assistant, I am poor. Heck, I’ll even take food scraps. Scavenged leftovers from the conference room? That’s one less meal I’m buying today.

* Open bar events. As in, basically free; see above.

* Holidays. A day off? Enough said.

* Basking in Reflected Glory. Okay, I don’t like to admit this one, but it’s kind of nice when someone is impressed by who you work for. Which is just SAD, because that has nothing to do with ME. Of course, I try to tell myself that it does actually have something to do with me, that they must be impressed because working for someone of that caliber means I’m a REALLY good assistant. And then we’re full circle back to SAD, so.

* Gift runoff. You know, anything your boss doesn’t want, like Lakers tickets (he’s already courtside with Jack), or muffin baskets (he’s doing Atkins this week).

* That five hour block of time when my boss is in the air between L.A. and N.Y. and required to turn off his Blackberry — delicious radio silence.

*Award season screeners.

* The Top-Secret Assistant Benefits Package. I’m not at liberty to divulge the details of this benefits plan, but it may involve messenger service, unfettered access to a postage meter, and a lifetime supply of post-its and pens.

But hey, you know what else assistants like? Reading a great script. The kind of script that gets your heart pounding, and reminds you why you chose this crazy industry to begin with. The kind of script you can’t wait to show your boss, and that gives you delusions of promotions and producing credits.

So what are you waiting for? Make an assistant happy. Get writing!

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

**Not intended to be a comprehensive list.