Just Effing Entertain Me

What We Can Learn From Cranky Assistants

So you read the latest Assistant Files. First of all, everyone at the Rouge Wave including me is so grateful to Andy for sharing her trials and travails because trust me, she has a stressful job and taking any extra time to share her thoughts with us is nothing short of a heroic act at the end of a long, cranky day.

So what’s the, as they say in magazine writing, “take-out” value on her latest installment? Be nice to assistants. This is who you’re up against when you call. Now, Andy is a studio assistant for a big deal, muckety-muck executive, but her experience is quite like that of an assistant for an agent or manager.

The writer who is aware of the circumstances going on on the other end of the phone is a writer with an advantage. Don’t call 8,000 times, don’t overstay your welcome on the phone. Be respectful; get in and get out and definitely, definitely make nice.

In general, do your research when you interact with others in the entertainment business. Don’t query a horror producer with your romcom, don’t assume a manager is a “has been” because you haven’t seen him in the trades recently (true story and the writer could not have been more wrong about this particular manager), don’t be curt with assistants and don’t take things personally.

As a writer, it is incumbent upon YOU to do your homework, understand the milieu you’re dealing with and market yourself in a way that makes you a writer people want to do business with. If you could hear what I hear from managers about needy, whiny, stalky writers, you’d be appalled. There is actually an unofficial “do not call” list for stalky writers that circulates at production companies and studios. You do not want to be on that list.

So more than the entertainment value Andy offers, she is also sending a message directly to you – this is her life, and you might be that 20th caller of the day. Find out the asssistant’s name, treat them politely and pleasantly and you will be surprised at the difference in how your call is received and your message passed on. Versus the eye-roll and do-not-call list status that many writers unwittingly wind up on.

Do not name drop unless you have explicit permission to do so.

I very recently heard tell of a writer who had a passing acquaintance with a friend of mine who is in a position to make things happen. She got on the phone all over town and began using my friend’s name. An executive called my friend and said please tell your friend to leave me alone. My friend was mortified and pissed off. She had to call the writer to say please, cease and desist – do not use my name. Ouch and double ouch.

So a big Rouge Wave thank you to Andy for sharing what her day-to-day is like and I hope that Wavers find her posts more than amusing but educational as well.

The Assistant Files

Assistants are basically pretty cranky people.

…wait. That may just be me.

And that may just be me, today.

Ordinarily I’m sort of cheerful, but today I’m having the kind of day where things just keep going south without warning. Just minor, petty things. Things that probably wouldn’t even drive you crazy if you were a person who had any job but being an assistant.

For instance, people I don’t know keep showing up and walking into my boss’ office without telling me who the hell they are. That may not seem like a big deal, but it’s really throwing me off, because a huge portion of my job is about guarding the gate like a deceptively friendly watchdog. I’m the last line of defense between my boss and the myriad people who’d like to suck up his time and involve him in meetings he doesn’t want to have. Or even just some guy who came by to measure a couch but went to the wrong office by mistake.

That’s why I’m here, people. To raise my eyebrows and say, politely but firmly, “I’m sorry, his schedule’s pretty tight today” and send the interloper away.

So, yes. It may be petty, but I HATE IT when people just cruise right on past my desk and into the office.

Other things I hate:

*People who call and say “Yeah, it’s Russ” when you don’t know who “Russ” is and then are all offended that you don’t know about the glory of the Russmeister.

*When producers call you and go “It’s Stan Williams” as though you should know which company and which movie. And then are offended when you ask what it’s about.

*When you tell your boss “It’s Stan Williams” and they say “Who?!?” and make you go back and ask. See above.

*As mentioned, when people go into your boss’ office without talking to you first and then your boss is all “Um, why did you let that person in here?”

*Inevitably, the next time you stop someone it will be Steven Spielberg, but you didn’t recognize him because he was wearing a damn beret.

*When you’re trying to make someone do something for your boss because your boss is important but the person doesn’t know who your boss is or how important they are and then you have to stop being subtle and go “Listen, he’s the head of production, he needs his lunch NOW.”

*When your boss disappears and then people are mad at you that you don’t know where he went.

*When your boss is missing a deadline and people are mad at you, but it’s not your fault. And you can’t do anything about it. And your boss is hiding in a bunker in Telluride and you can’t even get him on the phone, stop standing at my desk and telling me to get him, I can’t, leave me alone.

*When your boss has some minor computer mishap that you could almost certainly fix if given five minutes, but he gets so upset and panicked that you cave and call IT, and halfway through the call you hear him call out from his office: “…Nevermind.”

*When someone is talking at you and you point at your headset and mouth “On the phone” and they keep talking.

*When you’re on the phone and another call comes in and you say to the person “Hey, can I put you on hold for a quick sec?” and the person says “Yeah, just let me finish my thought real quick blah blah blah blah blah” and you miss the other call. That other call is always, always, always going to be Brad Pitt or the Pope.

Next time, a counter-list of THINGS ASSISTANTS LOVE.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files: You Can’t Handle the Truth

Hollywood Truth #1: There is no truth in Hollywood, only versions of the truth.

As an assistant you are expected to lie effectively on behalf of your boss. It’s not so much malicious or destructive lying, or spreading totally false gossip (usually). It’s more like misdirection to soften a blow or buy time. It’s part of maintaining your boss’s relationships with the people in his life: colleagues, the big boss, the talent, even his significant other and his mom.

It’s also a good idea to lie to your boss when necessary. You know, like when he tells you to get him a dinner reservation at that hot new restaurant, but the maitre d’ has NO IDEA who your boss is (or he isn’t important enough and the maitre d’ just doesn’t care). There’s no point in relaying that information back to your boss. Just assure him you’ll get it done, then figure out a way – again, I suggest lying – and your boss will be SUPER IMPRESSED. Okay, not really. But he will definitely be the opposite of super impressed if you aren’t able to get the reservation.

So, what if you’re inexperienced with lying, or just plain no good at it? Not to worry! In Hollywood, the role models abound.

Pay attention and you’ll learn how to:

*Fake having read that script!
*Get out of meetings and lunches with people who are a waste of time!
*Avoid your superiors while giving the impression you’re actually working and probably deserve a promotion and/or raise!
*Compliment someone’s work when really it kind of made you wonder if they’d recently gone off some heavy meds!
*Talk to people without giving them any concrete answers or useful information!

Is it disheartening to realize that every word spoken to you has to be analyzed for content? Sure. It’s also why everyone in Hollywood is neurotic and paranoid. Well, maybe not the ONLY reason, but it’s undoubtedly a contributing factor.

Which brings me to my real point… In your writing career you’ll often have to suss out the true parts of what you’re hearing. There will definitely be times when you think, “Wait, didn’t you just tell me you LOVED my script? Then why are you giving me sixteen pages of things I need to change?!”

My advice? Find some allies who will help interpret the meaning of the messages. Just like in the dating game when you’re trying to figure out why that guy who told you how awesome you are hasn’t called you for three weeks, and your best friend explains you’re overlooking the part where he said, “…but I don’t think we should see each other again.” Your friends often have perspective you don’t, because they’re not as in the middle of the situation as you are. So figure out who those people are for you. Keep them on speed dial under the category Truth Brain Trust.

The Assistant Files

You’ve heard the horror stories, the things we assistants have to do for our bosses. Assistant abuse is so rampant in Hollywood, we should have our own colored-bracelet campaign.

There’s the story of the assistant who had soup thrown at him by a big-time female producer (fortunately the soup wasn’t hot, but I think that may actually have been the root of the problem). And the one about another producer’s assistant who, in an attempt to ensure time off for Thanksgiving with his family, invited the producer to accompany him. Assuming, of course, the producer would feel so bad about declining that he would insist the assistant take the needed time off. No dice; the producer accepted, and our poor assistant friend had to spend his holiday catering to his boss in front of the entire family.

Have you ever thought about how far YOU would go, if you thought it was all leading up to the big payoff? Would you babysit your boss’s kids in a pinch so he could go to a meeting? Spend your Sunday choosing, wrapping, and delivering his wife’s birthday gift, because it had slipped his mind until that morning? Transport his fresh stool sample to the lab? All true stories from yours truly, my friends. Yes, assistants get asked to do lots of un-fun things. But we do it, because we’re paying our dues.

Hey, I don’t make the rules, I’m just playing the game. And unfortunately, there’s a lot of unsportsmanlike behavior. There are schmucks who will take advantage of their assistants just because they can, and there are plenty of shmate salesmen who will take advantage of baby writers, just because they can.

You’ve seen the postings on Craigslist, right?

When you’re trying to make it as a writer, it’s very tempting to take any and every opportunity that comes your way. But are you weighing the benefit of the opportunity against its cost to you? How much of your time, sanity, and sunny disposition are you willing to give away?

Figure these things out now, before you lose all perspective when, from where you’re standing, this opportunity is obviously your one and only Big Break. (That’s not true, by the way, I’m just saying that’s how it might feel at the time.) Write a memo to yourself if you have to. Remember to go back to it when some “producer” is asking you for a free two-year option on your material.

‘But Andy,’ you say. ‘What if this guy is the key to my success and I walk away just because he’s not offering any money up front? I don’t want to be difficult!’

To that I say— I don’t know. What, I don’t have all the answers either! If you think that’s the way to go, then by all means, best of luck to you. My advice is simply this: right now, decide your limits. This IS Hollywood after all, where limit-testing is our favorite sport.

xxoo, Andy Sachs

DISCLAIMER: The Wave-inatrix is not yet high enough on the food chain to throw cupcakes at Chaia so in lieu of that we have been practicing Cupcake Relay Racing and hope to make it to the World Championship ’09, held annually at the Betty Crocker factory in Dubuque.

The Assistant Files

Not to be a jerk, but someone on one of my email groups just asked if “anyone had any information on how to roll calls”, she thought it might have something to do with getting several people on the phone at once, but she wasn’t really sure.

WHAT.

I say again: WHAT.

“Rolling calls” is an assistant skill so basic it’s about on the same level as “Hey guys! Here’s how you send a fax.” It’s pretty surprising that someone on a group for industry assistants wouldn’t know what rolling calls IS, let alone how you do it.

So, here’s a crash course:

Rolling calls is what you do when your boss is in his car, calling in on his cell, and you’re setting up calls for him, functioning as a kind of telephonic bridge between him and the person he wants to talk to. (Some people also use “rolling calls” to describe what happens when your boss is in his office and you’re returning calls with him, something other people call “let’s do some calls” or just “get me so and so on the phone” – I know, confusing!)

So your boss calls in:

YOUR BOSS
Hey, it’s me.

YOU
Hi.

YOUR BOSS
Any calls?

YOU
No.

YOUR BOSS
(disbelieving)
Really.

YOU
(inexplicably guilty-feeling, even though there really were no calls.)
…really.
(making something up to make him feel important.)
But Carol came by to ask you where you get your pants, because she thinks they’re awesome.

YOUR BOSS
…really?

YOU
Well, no. I mean, she did come by and mention that her husband was having a hard time buying happening trousers, so-

YOUR BOSS
…

YOU
Want to do some calls?

YOUR BOSS
Yeah.

Here, you look at his phone sheet and tell him who he owes a call to.

YOU
Evan called again–

YOUR BOSS
No.

YOU
And you owe Ian F. a call from last Thursday–

YOUR BOSS
Ugh, I hate that guy. Who else?

YOU
How about Danni at [redacted]?

YOUR BOSS
Okay.

Here – and this depends a little bit on your phone system, but the gist is the same – you put your boss’ call on hold, call Danni at [redacted], and conference the two of them together. Here’s the key: do not get off the call. You stay on the call muted out so you can eavesdrop/take notes/pretend not to care that your boss likes to talk about his bowel issues/start a new call when he’s done with this one.

So, let’s say that you’ve dialed the number for Danni at [redacted]:

DANNI’S ASSISTANT
Danni’s office.

YOU
Hi, I have Bossman calling for her.

DANNI’S ASSISTANT
(“Let me see if he’s important enough to talk to”.)
One moment.

Hold music plays. Now one of several things will happen, and here’s the easiest:

Danni herself picks up.

DANNI
Hey, Bossman!

At this point, you are the only one on the call. Your boss is still on the 405, listening to something embarrassing like Fall Out Boy, holding impatiently. This moment is always a little awkward.

YOU
Hi Danni, still me, hang on–
(you conference in your boss)
Bossman, you’re on with Danni.

Mute out the call, wait for them to finish, unmute, start a new call as needed.

The second option is that Danni isn’t there/is on a call/hates your boss:

DANNI’S ASSISTANT
Hi, Danni’s in a meeting, can we return?

YOU
Thanks.

You then make a note of the fact that Danni owes your boss a call, tell Bossman that you left word, and start a new call as needed.

A thing that happens sometimes is that some bosses are very weird about picking up before the other executive has picked up. That is, if they have to suffer through that “Hey, John!” “Sorry, still me. John, you’re on with David.” moment, they’ll get pissed at you for not being a better psychic operator. The only thing to be done about this is to maintain a mental org chart of how important other people are relative to your boss. The big dog gets to get on the line last. This is easier if you’re working for someone important; if you’re working for someone less important who has an attitude issue, ENJOY.

Something else that can happen is that you’ll get incoming calls while you’re rolling on the other line. Don’t panic! You’re already muted out, so just put your boss’ call on hold, switch to the incoming line, tell them that your boss is unavailable, add that person to the phone sheet, and switch back to your boss’ call (hopefully before your boss ends his call and is all “Hello? HELLO? WHAT IS HAPPENING? HOW DO I WORK MY PHONE?!?” – that’s why you need to get off the other line as quickly as you can.) Some bosses are pretty intense about not ever letting calls go to voicemail, so do what you need to do to get through moments of every line on your phone lighting up at once. I personally like to pretend that I’m a 1940s switchboard operator, or one of the girls on Mad Men.

Next week, frauxling, good excuses, and the top five guys nobody wants to get on the phone!

xx0,

Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

Every year the passing of Labor Day is like a starter pistol for the race to the end of the year. September flies by with the activity of spec season. Then come the High Holy Days and Thanksgiving, and all of a sudden you’re into hardcore holiday season with Hanukkah, Christmas, Golden Globe nominations, New Year’s Eve, and then where are you? Oh yeah, NEXT YEAR.

But let’s back up. That hardcore holiday season that I mentioned brings with it something that assistants all over town cherish. A little period of time I like to call THE REAPING OF THE WANTON HOLLYWOOD GIFTING EXCESSES.

That’s right. People in Hollywood loooooooove a reason to give gifts. It’s the perfect opportunity to redeem oneself for past offenses or sneak in a little buttering-up, without seeming too weak or desperate. When a gift-giving opportunity arises, the giver gets to come off as benevolent, and the givee gets free stuff. Everybody wins.

Everybody, including assistants. Oh, yes. It sends a tingle up my spine just thinking about it. The most common sources of our loot:

1) From the agencies: Because the big agencies inundate the assistant community with gifts. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes not so much. CAA in particular has had a good reputation for gift-giving, which I’ve heard credited back to Mike Ovitz. Apparently he understands the power of free stuff. It makes people like you (or your company). And everybody knows how fast information spreads through the Assistant Underground, both good and bad. Now I’m not one to gossip, but Defamer is fond of reviewing the worst agency gifts. I’m just happy to be remembered. And, hey– I can always re-gift it to my little brother. It’s the thought that counts, right?

2) Cast-offs from our bosses: Because we work for people who have little need for yet another rabbit wine bottle opener or zip-up fleece travel blanket. But assistants? We’ll take what we can get. Who cares if it bears a corporate logo; my whole apartment and half my luggage is branded.

3) From clients, if you work for a manager or agent: Because some clients like to recognize the person putting their calls through and scheduling their lunches. Smart people, those. Whether it’s conscious or not, when an assistant likes you, you do get a little better treatment.

Do we have time for a little reminiscing? In the past I’ve received things like: a trendy designer sweatsuit, bottles of wine, an iPod mini, a spa gift certificate, money, and – always appreciated – food. Maybe it’s just me, but I ALWAYS get excited about food-related gifts. It doesn’t have to be expensive, as long as it’s delicious.

Even if there aren’t currently any assistants in your life, I think this is a lesson you can take with you into the future, when you are a player in the Hollywood game. Just putting it out there: assistants like gifts.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

And continuing Good In the Room Week here at the Assistant Files…

Truth be told, I guess I forget how daunting it must be to writers — especially new, trying-to-break-in writers — to walk into a strange room and try to prove unequivocally to people you’ve never met that you are a genius and they should give you large sums of money.

At least, that’s probably what it feels like on your end. “Look at me! Watch me dance! Faster? I can go faster! Watch these tricks!”

But you know, from the point of view of the exec or producer, he’s really just hoping that you won’t be boring, and might even be someone that’ll make him look good, what with your killer project and your undeniable awesomeness which everyone else in town will soon be clamoring to get a piece of.

A while ago I stumbled on this video of Michael Wiese teaching some folks how to act in a meeting. It’s short, and it makes some good points, so you should watch it.

Here’s what I think you can take from this video:

1) Listen to what he says about assistants. That Michael Wiese is a wise, wise man.

2) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: be confident. No, not a cocky know-it-all. But do show the folks you’re meeting with that they are in capable hands and that you are confident in the material. Outward calm and confidence makes them think you know what you’re doing, even if inwardly you know you’re just fumbling around in the dark. Again, confident and calm, not needy and desperate.

3) Know your audience. What is it that they’re looking for? What brought you into the room to begin with? There must be something that they liked about your idea if they agreed to meet with you; try to highlight that. If you know your audience, you can show them how you’re really on the same team. That’s the whole point, right? Not so much to sell them something, but to get in business together. You each have something to offer the other. If you look at it that way, you’re really on equal footing. Just two people in a room, working together toward a common goal.

Everyone likes a winner, and Basking In Reflected Glory is an important and valuable skill set in Hollywood. Everyone wants to be associated with a hit property, however tenuously, because hustling for that next gig isn’t an activity exclusive to writers. Being associated with a winner adds to their worth, helps them get the next meeting, the next project, or maybe just the next M/A/W to come talk to them instead of the guy over there who worked on MEET DAVE.

So be the winner that they want to know. Be the likable hero of your own real-life adventure.

Does that help? I hope so, because I really do want you to succeed. That way when I’m making the rounds, trying to get my next gig, people will be really impressed when I drop your name.

xo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

When writers come in to pitch my boss, he usually closes the door. I bring them Diet Cokes and room-temperature waters, ask if they need anything else, and go back to my desk.

Where I then eavesdrop on their conversation.

(The entire point of being an assistant, after all, is that you get to learn by example. You stay on your boss’ calls, you have access to his emails, you listen to him in meetings. It’s not much, but it’s basically the entire perks package on offer, so you gotta take advantage of it when you can.)

It’s interesting how easy it is to tell if a writer is good in a room. Even with the door closed. Even if I can only hear the rise and fall of their conversation over the hum of the A/C.

Good in the room: the writer talks for a while. My boss starts to interject questions. His questions and comments come faster and faster. There are bursts of laughter or exclamations of surprise and approval. The meeting runs long, and I have to bump the next thing on his calendar.

Bad in the room: the writer won’t let him get a word in edgewise, because he has a memorized pitch he’s rattling off. There are long, confused pauses. My boss opens the door again after twenty minutes. “Thanks for coming in,” my boss says to the writer. “Great on paper,” my boss might say, after the writer leaves. “But did you see how sweaty he was? Poor guy.”

You need to be both a good writer and good in a room to have a career here, which probably seems awfully unfair to a lot of writers: not only do you have to be a great writer, you have to shave and put on pants and go be charming to some studio guy!

Hollywood as an industry likes to think of itself as “Cool”. You can still work if you’re writer-quirky (and in fact it might do you some good) but if you have a hard time making eye contact, screenwriting as a career is going to be tough. You spend a LOT of time in meetings, especially as a new writer whose spec just went out. Welcome to the meeting machine. Can we get you a beverage?

From where I’m sitting, “good in a room” has a lot to do with confidence. A writer who’s calm and happy to talk about his story because he knows it and knows that it’s good is pleasant to listen to. A writer who’s tense and sweaty and thinks his story might be pretty bad, not so much. Which is not to say that his story actually IS bad, just that the executive listening to his fumbling pitch has probably already stopped listening and is thinking about Pinkberry.

People who are decent at pitching usually do it a lot. This is how the progression seems to go:

First, you have to get over the embarrassment that you’re even talking about your idea.

Second, you have to stop apologizing for it. If you’re going to write it, it must be pretty good, right? Nobody likes a braggart, but everybody likes calm and confident.

Third, you need to just tell the story. It’s amazing how bad people are at this. I have a lot of sympathy, because it’s hard to boil down 120 pages of your blood and sweat to a quick chat. But think of how you describe a spec you just read and loved, and then try to do that for your own work. Nix your insistence on talking about themes and subplots and character arcs. Tell us what the story is, and what’s so great about it.

Fourth, you pitch so often that you get comfortable doing it. It makes you tense to listen to a pitch by someone who’s nervous. It’s very relaxing to listen to one by someone who knows his stuff and is calm.

Fifth, I eavesdrop on your conversation with my boss. Later, my boss comes out and says “That guy was awesome. Call his agent and set something up for next week. Let’s get this going.”

Congratulations, you’re officially good in a room.

xxo,
Andy Sachs

The Assistant Files

Hi Wavers, I’m back again to impart a little bit of Assistant Wisdom.

You’ve heard of the concept Six Degrees of Separation, right? Obviously you have; you’re with-it screenwriter types. Well, forget Six Degrees; in Hollywood, it’s more like two. The entertainment industry is basically high school. Maybe college, if the one you went to was relatively small and privately funded, with a conspicuously lax moral code.

But seriously, it’s small. Just how small? Let me tell you a little story…

One night I ended up at a bar in my neighborhood with several assistants from a management company. The bar was about two blocks from the townhouse I lived in with a couple other girls. I had been living in this townhouse with one of the girls for several months, the third roommate had just moved in, someone I didn’t know much about other than she was an aspiring costume designer and she looked for apartments on Craigslist. Maybe that situation sounds strange; it would to me too, before I moved to L.A.. But here it’s not uncommon to end up living with people you don’t really know. A product of lots of expensive housing plus lots of underpaid young people, I guess.

Anyway, I had gone with my management-assistant friends to their company holiday party, and this was our impromptu after-party, a.k.a. the after-we-ditch-our-bosses-party. We were loud, we were rowdy, we were squeezed in and around a booth too small for our group. The two guys in the booth next to ours seemed to be enjoying a quiet evening before we arrived, so I felt compelled to apologize to them. We got to talking, as people in bars are wont to do. One of the guys mentioned he was just visiting, I asked what brought him to town. Turned out he was a screenwriter. Turned out he was THE SCREENWRITER OF ONE OF OUR PROJECTS.

Wait, what? Are you kidding me? I happen to be in a bar and RANDOMLY start talking to a guy who is the writer of a script on our development slate? Bizarre coincidence, right? What a small world, right? But wait, there’s more.

“Holy cow!” I said. “What a coincidence! Of all the bars in all of Los Angeles, HOW WEIRD that you would happen to be here, at my neighborhood watering hole!”

“Oh you live around here?” He said. “My sister lives a couple blocks away.”

You already know where this is going, Wavers, don’t you? After comparing notes further we discovered that his sister was MY NEW ROOMMATE.

Now THAT is a small world.

My point here is that everyone knows everyone else — this random stranger in a bar happened to have connections to me both personally AND professionally. You never know when you meet someone what connection they have to your life, or what effect they might potentially have on your career.
If you take anything away from my experience, take this: 1) always talk to strangers in bars, and 2) don’t get drunk and make a fool of yourself. Hey, I’m not judging. Just, you know, maybe stop before you throw up on some barfly’s shoes. Who knows, he could be your future agent.

******
The Wave-inatrix here:

What Andy says is so true – I have a next door neighbor with windows flung open about 8 feet from where I am sitting right now. It’s summer in LA; a REAR WINDOW thing happens in my neighborhood. So this neighbor, he enjoys his (very good and eclectic) music (loved the Bowie yesterday) and I can hear wisps of laughter, dishes clattering and even loud sneezes. He can probably hear pretty much dead silence; I only turn on the music when I’m cleaning or doing my capoeira practice. Anyway, so we finally met, this new neighbor and I, outside on our tree-lined street one evening earlier this week. Turns out this is Steve Faber. Co-writer of WEDDING CRASHERS. He didn’t point it out, but when it came up organically Steve blushed some and shuffled his feet. I don’t think it would have come up. I tried to keep my cool, Wavers, I really did. But moments later I found myself compulsively pointing out what I thought were the funniest parts of the movie. Among them – Isla Fisher’s line of dialogue delivered in a sing-song: I would find you!

I told Steve about The Rouge Wave and hopefully one day, Wavers, Steve might make a guest appearance in the form of an interview. We’ll see if I can talk him into it. I’m feeling a lot of blueberry pie deliveries to his doorstep and the mysterious muzzling of a certain yapping chihuahua who lives upstairs.

Steve, if you’re reading this, that is totally not MY yapping dog, that is the chihuahua upstairs, really excited about his movie debut – another staggering six degree coincidence – no, I’m lying about that one. But it’s not my yapping dog! I have a shih-tzu who might bark once a week or so, questioningly, toward the door when take-out arrives. Then she looks at me and goes back to sleep. So – I have quite the guard dog situation going on. Don’t EVEN mess with my house, criminals. That twelve-pound ball of fur will take you down. After she opens one eye and notices you with the TV in your arms.

The Assistant Files

Assistants are obsessed with lists. We spend at least 40% of our working day
talking to each other about them.*

“Does anyone have a list of mid-range sushi restaurants in Chicago? My boss
is going on set next week. Thanks.”

“I’m looking for a list of French novels that were adapted in the 70s.”

“Looking for a list of 29-year-old mixed-race lepers for upcoming feature. Musical theater experience preferred. Will compile. Thx.”

One of the most popular categories is lists of writers in a particular genre.

How this works is, your boss has a project she’s looking to develop, and it’s based on an obscure graphic novel about Jesuits with magical powers who can transform themselves (but only into a flock of killer turkeys). So she tells you to find you a list of people she might want to check out.

You are then supposed to magically conjure up a list of one or two dozen writers in this genre. You do this by asking your assistant pals if anyone has a list of sci-fi/action/comics writers. Sometimes they do, sometimes you’re forced to collect names and make the list yourself.

The list usually looks something like this:**

NAME(S): Joe Genrewriter

AGENCY: CAA (Antonio Borracho Cohen)

NOTES: THE LAST TURKEY AIRBENDER, JESUIT NINJAS II

Then you give the list to your boss, and you start collecting writing samples, setting meetings with likely writers, etc.

Why is this important to you, the aspiring screenwriter?

Because you need to decide which list you want to be on***. Are you going to be on the ROMANTIC DRAMA list? The ACTION ADVENTURE list? The FAMILY COMEDY list? The LOW-BUDGET HORROR list? The ROMCOM list, the R-RATED COMEDY list,the SCI-FI list?

There’s some overlap. People who are on the ACTION list might also show up on the SCI-FI list. People who are on a ROMCOM list might be on a RAUNCHY COMEDY list, too. But if you have many different interests as a writer, give some thought to which list you want to be on before you start to market yourself. Because if you have three samples, a romcom, a horror, and a sci-fi epic, people are not going to be impressed by your range. People are going to be confused. People will not know how to sell you, how to pigeonhole you, which list to put you on.

(I know, you’re convinced that you’re the exception.)

The thing is, when your agent calls around about how great your spec is and how my boss should meet with you about any open assignments she has, he needs to be able to pinpoint what kind of stuff you write. Which list you’re on. You know how it’s confusing and slightly weird when Adam Sandler does serious dramatic roles? It’s exactly like that. People want to know before you walk in for your meeting that you’re the go-to guy or gal for historical epics. They are, after all, willing to pay you quite a bit of money for your skills, and they want to be sure that they’re dealing with an expert, not a generalist dilettante.

*Figure possibly made up.

**Pretend this is in Excel or a table in Word.

***Once in a while people will ask for something really specific, like lists of writers from New Orleans, or people who used to be Navy SEALs or something like that. But you can’t really do much about that unless you have a time machine.

****
The Assistant Files are contributed by one of three anonymous studio assistants. They may or may not answer your comments; they’re really busy. But you can try.